diary of a nobody

On Sunday evening I shall be off on my recuperating holiday to Provence! I was invited a while back on a three week tour "en Provence" by my former girlfriends good friend, and I excepted. I know it will be good for me and everything, but It all reminds me that my former girlfriend wont be there. Its simply not fair, I should be going with her, I shouldn't be sleeping in a bed on my own, and I shouldn't be generally stressing out about having to do everything on my own (even though previously allways independent).

I felt like I was doing rather well with all this carry on until last night, I was sitting in the pub, and I suddenly realised, you can be there in a room full of people all happily chatting away to you, laughing and joking. Yet at the same time you can feel completely and utterly alone.

Maybe this is the natural malaise expected after my brush with fame at the weekend (the BBC have sadly departed, and failed to take me with them!)or maybe its the expected exhaustion of filling my life with constant activity recently?

Another problem Ive noticed today is that I seem unable to listen to music anymore. I was loading my mp3 object for Provence trip earlier, and it seems most music reminds me of former girlfriend (we shared very similar taste in such things). Music which has no such association is either:
A;Pathetic happy "how in love are we" music, which leaves me angry at my loss. OR....
B;Wallowing, meaningful, "how could you leave me this way" music, which makes me cry at inopportune moments...

Basically all tunes are out the window for now! Anyway I shall return, with witty drawl on my forthcoming three weeks.....
For now goodbye....x

O dear Ive been tagged, and I have to write seven random things about myself ?....Well if I manage to find seven others who haven't already done this so far, then you apparently must do the same.Writing a comment to each person so they know they have been tagged, and writing the rules on your own blog?..Here goes

>I will be appearing in several crowd shots on BBC 1 at 6 O'clock on a Sunday some time in September.

>I will be wearing a black shirt in aforementioned crowd shots.

>I once had an affair with a married "man" (yes that's right a man) for 6 months

>I have never found anyone with bigger hands than me.

>One of the aforementioned hands has absolutely no feeling at all in it (due to previously discussed horrific accident) which means I can amaze unsuspecting people, by how long I can hold my hand over a naked flame.

>I am incredibly vain.

>I am five foot ten, even though I insist I'm almost six foot

I'm both exhausted and over exited. Due to my brush with the BBC today, In my previously mentioned "work being used for filming of a BBC Sunday evening favourite" scenario... It turns out all production people are incredibly nice. Ive spent most of my day being incredibly nice back. As expected I became totally star struck by the sight of a "star", and as much as id like to say such people are a bunch of stuck up fools. They were actually a bunch of friendly professionals who were happy to let me pester them to take photographs, and explain all the stuff that goes into an hour of television. Tomorrow will be even more interesting as filming continues....
All in all an interesting, insightful, alternative to my usual day! And best of all I smiled all day and actually meant it (for a change)....

Everything happens for a reason...
The real courage we can show in life, is having the patience to understand why?.

Yesterday i listened to a programme on radio 4, which spoke about the mysticism of seeing people you normally only hear. I realised that's just like these blogs, a masked ball. Who are we all, some people here communicate with one another, giving out our deepest thoughts and feelings, but most of us will never put a name and a face to the written words. What would happen if we did take off the masks, would we have anything like the faces we may think we have, would our names and exteriors disappoint when compared to our online pourings.
I suspect that some people like myself try to be brutally honest in postings, while others maybe create another version of themselves. Still are these people that dishonest, because there created persona must be in there somewhere.
As much as I have bemoaned computers in the past, I'm starting to think that in there own way computers are liberators. A face, and a name, and a job, and clothing, and an accent can get in the way, it can close a mind to whats going on inside.
A perfect example of this is when we look at an old person. Most people see the age, the slow reactions , the forgetfulness, the physical juxtapose to ourselves. But inside that old person are a million stories. Once they were young, they may have loved , lost, and loved again. They were someones child, someones lover. They danced, and laughed, and drank, and cried.
So maybe we are all allways at one great big masked ball,. Its just that some of us wear bigger masks than others!

One is the loneliest number....
No messages of any kind from former girlfriend, although I do know that the group as a whole were OK at the weekend, as there site posted some information. I'm undecided whether I want a text/e-mail or not right now. Either way I haven't had one!

The BBC cometh....
My mind is still effectively being taken up with work......As I explained the other day work is varied, in the week I work in our family business as a garage mechanic. A job which never fails to be a popular topic of conversation with people I meet, being an unusual job for a "girl". I think it surprises them because I don't really look like one, well I don't go down the pub wearing overalls with greasy hands, wielding a wrench anyway!
My other main job takes up mostly weekends but can seep into the weekdays also, involves me being a retail manager. Which basically means the pays quite good and I get to boss people around, which is a strength of mine!
The exiting thing is the weekend job is about to be used by the BBC as a location for filming! I aim to leap into as many camera shots as possible of course..
So the above carry on keeps my days busy, its only the time between closing my eyes, and falling asleep Ive got to sort out now..

Only those of us who live in the present are truly alive...

Those of us who live in the past are old before our time....

And those of us who live in the future are the children we would have left behind.....

Ive taken to pre writing my entries with good old pen and paper, due to the deprivation Ive suffered away from the machine...
Also Ive been rather busy working over the weekend..Now I was going to go into a huge ramble about the very subject of work (actually I will) I have found that I collect vocations like some people collect stamps or worse still thimbles. I have never even from my earliest memories wanted to settle on any one particular thing . Another time i will trawl through these many working avenues . But for now the important thing is , during the last 12 months, Ive worked as little as possible, and spent as much money as possible!
Yet now I have lots of time, and a need to fill it with anything and everything I can. Mainly because spare time leads to the thoughts creeping into my head. the silly thoughts that are all too familiar to many , the nagging memories the dreams of possibilities my future may hold and will she be in them? Over the last few days Ive started to feel like "she" is slipping away from my mind, fading like an old photograph that's been left in the sun for too long...
Any-how, now I'm happy to focus on the monotony of everyday life, to me its the background noise which numbs my mind , so for now , for right now this is OK....

Saturday saw the return of "house owner/former girlfriends best friend/and all round good mate to me" So that evening we decided to go off around the town, visiting all drinking establishments, that either me or him had never frequented before. Has we had both been to most places many times over, we ended up visiting Dickensian dens of iniquity, that are inhabited by the sort of people who "people watching" was invented for!
We spent most of the evening having debates on "who is the best superhero?" Incidentally I went for Captain America? I was drunk....
The point of all this is, in the moment I forget other things and just had a good time!.....

Never regret....
Never regret a moment of your life , no matter how bad that moment may be.

Because each moment is leading to the next one, which may be the greatest moment of your life..
.
From the moment we are conceived to the moment we breath our last, we are in a chain of huge knock on effects.

To regret a moment past would be to deny a future one, and to give up on life would be to deny the effects we have on people, we will never know about....

......Well that's what I think anyway, I'm off to work now!
With regards
Myself x

Ive spent most of this evening , catching up on some family visiting............The greatest part about it was reversing my grandmothers mobility scooter into the garage!(you are never to old? or too young to mess about on mobility scooters and stair-lifts!) Anyway in the process of "doing the rounds" I get to catch up on some TV i haven't got to watch in a while...

-In coronation street , what the hecks going on, Sinbad the brookside sailor is getting some choice lines.."we were so poor I had to use chamois leather on the kids instead of Nappy's" What you couldn't afford pampers or terry towelling but you could afford non dissposble car care products? perhaps if he wasn't allways offering free kebabs to everyone this wouldn't have been a problem.....
Then he said... "sorry about our lad, hes gone a bit don corleone recently" referring to his son! Last time I checked no godfathers live in a Wendy house, and sit around in a fiat punto listening to music with David Platte whilst threatening to put there neighbour face down in a bin?!

-Eastenders, where do I start. It went from the nausiating scenes of "the ladies" in "the salon" singing along to mika, including Peggy? (as if she listens to mika?) interspersed with pathetic jokes about Ian's saveloys....To Mr Saveloy himself with full Mitchell troop, crashing there car, followed by a calamity of events which had me screaming at the T.v.....

........I think ill go back to not watching much TV.

On a sadder note. I returned to my current abode , to do some tidying due to impending return of house owner tomorrow. I was sweeping in the kitchen and found a piece of ribbon behind the bin in the kitchen. And it put me back to feeling pretty sad....The ribbon was off a balloon. Balloons that Id bought in March. I organized, with great success a going away party for the, now ex girlfriend, it was a complete surprise to her. I got friends to fly in from abroad, organised food, everything. I managed to get her out of the house and get everyone in, and so she returned....She was so happy , it made me cry to see her so happy, to see people who hadn't managed to see her off before. She must of thanked me a thousand times and I said "you don't have to thank me I'd do anything for because I love you" and she said "but nobody's ever done this for me before".....That was just a couple of months ago, we were so happy...

- Just been to pick up money from my sister (long story but basically she gets paid a fortune yet still borrows money constantly off anyone she can!). It astounds me that we share genes (certainly not jeans! mine would be far too baggy or the wrong shade or just not £200 quid from Harvey nick's!) Today she comes complete with hair extensions and a phone that constantly needs attention. She then chose to bore me with, tales of how great her and "Mr Ferrari" are doing! Not a single how are you doing not that id have greeted such utterings with anything other than "fine ta".

- I will be loosing my constant access to the machine tomorrow!!! What will I do? My friend whose house Ive been looking after is returning from his holiday (you know the friend whose the girlfriends sorry, *ex*girlfriends best friend who she was living with pre fantastic journey around the world) well anyway this means my blog entries will be limited to;

A-when I come over to his house and use this computer.
B-when I go to wretched library to use theres
C-When I get my own machine, even though I wont know what to do with it if I got one?

.....So my entries from know on will be somewhat scaled down.

I have to say this is actually no great coming out story at all. Because my method of coming out has kind of been, as follows-

-play as much kd Lang, Joan armatrading, Melissa etheridge, Janis Joplin, music as possible...

-Have a great big poster of Annie lennox on your wall at the age of 10!......

-Take no interest in chaps at all...(apart from the odd teenage slip, well you've gotta give everything a go)

-At the age of 15 get your friends at schoolfriends to reanact scenes from "shes out" (1990's lynda la plante drama with gay undertones)..

....Then hope everybody will kind of guess, which apparently they all have . I being the pathetic coward I am , didn't actually come out formally to any family but , I did to friends.....

...After dragging friends of to our local one gay club , several times, and blatantly grabbing anyone who looked my way (or just being flattered by there advances as I like to call it). Id decided this wasn't enough of a hint, Maybe friends would think i'm just messing about?So I decided to do a proper coming out.
I chose the time around my birthday, (I seem to be a sucker for messing up April!) on an evening out , in a busy bar. Now at the time id got 1inch sort hair, and had spent the evening moaning about the stupid girlie shoes I had chose to wear. I really didn't need to make any big statements! And then I did it " Ive got to say this now , or I never will, I....I....I'm gay!?!??" silence...then one friend said "o well that's OK at least you havnt got two heads?" (what, o yea at least i havnt got two heads , cos imagine that gay and two heads "actually that could be quite handy, it would be the lesbian version of a dog with two dicks") Then everyone else said "we know , god whats the fuss for, we were having a conversation" and that was that. Mind you it took me another couple of years before the publicly acceptable face of me, and the gay face of me , got together...Infact that only happened last year, Id waited till someone important enough came along before I could actually say "I'm gay, and if anybody doesnt like it ? I don't care!"....

AND WHY ON EARTH ARE ADVERTS FOR WOMEN SEEKING MARRIGE APPEARING AT THE TOP OF MY PAGE? IT DOSENT SEEM APPROPRIATE.

Right OK this day off as not been terrible productive. I have learnt some interesting things though
A-I'm not the only person in the world who's ever had a problem
B-Don't spend to long sitting at a computer, you may find you
forgot to have lunch. Especially if its looking at websites of some vague celebrity you may find attractive? and because I think my legs have lost all circulation to them.

and lastly....
C-Make sure what you write is emotion packed and not in the least bit mundane, or else you may invoke the wrath of bloggers who want every thing they read to be meaningful.(a joke)

......So back to the world of me .Two weeks pass while shes away and I'm doing OK . Then the call comes .The day before my birthday, the day my grandfather goes into hospital (v ill) , the day before i have a car crash.... "I dont like how this is going, and that means we cant be together anymore" of course there was more said , but it was fairly breif as the signal isn't brilliant in an amazingly picturesque part of south eastern europe.
I had no time to question anything ,no time for anything. What followed was days of a nightmarish existence which I covered up quite well to those around me as an illness of some kind. She text all our mutual friends so they could "support" me.
Now in my head I'm still at the stage where this relationship is worth fighting for. When someone says they still love you and you still love them, and they tell you they cant spend the next year with them hoping you will still be there when they return (experience has told her these things don't work) (while experience has told me to cling on to something that's good and fight for it no matter what, because that could be the one , when you've had a lot that clearly arnt the one , and then along comes someone who ticks every box)

I need to make it clear this was no one sided relationship, I can prove it , being a collector of any scrap of paper themotionat blows through my life. I get in my car and the CD playing is one she gave me . Clothes that she bought me , books , and being in the house were she was/will be living , this week as been truly surreal, its like I'm just cooking tea and she will get in from work in a minute kiss me and ill tell about this awful dream Ive had.

At least I'm out of the physically ill stage, and more in the , mmmmm...what do i do now stage? Not that I'm past the looking at old text msgs or passing a few hours without at least one thought to her current safety in bloody "IRAN" I mean god, they stone lesbians there don't they?

O I hope to any poor sole reading this its not too tedious because I'm sure its doing me good. Cigarettes now beckon me.....

THE MACHINE- Today I have a day off work and I think I may be getting rather too fond of the machine...I can see how people do. My new found access has come about because all this week i'm looking after the house of my friend , well my former girlfriends friend who in her absence Ive inherited, Its also were she was living pre travelling. Anyway, he of course as with most of the population, has a computer. So its become my trusty companion for the week!

THE BANK- just returned from a 50 mile round trip to the Bank. Its not that I live in the middle of nowhere, you see my local branch closed some months back. Fine no problem, until a couple of weeks ago , when my card got snapped up into a cash machine (apparently it had been tampered with!) Now apart from anarchic savings accounts which arnt terribly simple to access, this account is my main source of money.(I steer clear of the modernity's of the credit card) So time passes and my new card arrives. With a letter attached, stating that I had requested a card without a pin number!(needless to say i had not) This rendered the card almost completely useless.
So I'm waiting for yet another card to arrive which I expect to arrive with a letter stating "you have requested a card that must only be used between the hours of 11.30 and 11.32, only on days when theres a z in the name and preferably when theres a full moon!" or something equally as silly . In the mean time I'm left paying a fortune in fuel to go and withdraw money to pay for the fuel to get me to the bank, the next time I go.
You may question why I haven't changed Banks? well I'll tell you the silly method which led me to my Bank of choice . In my youth , I decided to change Banks from the one Id had foisted upon me as a child. Being the precocious youth I was I chose the Bank with the nicest colour scheme , the one with the nicest tellers and the one that nobody else banked with. So a mixture of borderline insanity, and sentimentality compels me to stick by my backwards bank!

THE STORY- Back to the story. I return to home , and although Ive not been officially living with the girlfriend Ive probably spent five nights in every week at hers as I currently live with the parents!So this is an enormous adjustment for me. Time suddenly appears from nowhere. I set about trying to revert back to my previous life , with the addition of a whole new pletherer of friends.
Now the closest we had ever come to an argument in our time together was when the discussion of how things should be left , she had been hurt very badly in the past and the notion of long distance relationships just didn't work for her. Yet for me I just couldn't conceive how you can put an end day on a relationship. Relationships drift apart or corrode over time . They don't go along in mutual happiness and then you say , right this ends on such and such a date. And that was really what it was like we had a difference of opinion on what was going to happen after she left but we were both so happy in the moment , we went along as normal. Its hard to explain really but that's just how it was.
We left it with me saying that I was going to wait for her return, which is fairly assured due to work commitments, and that the only thing that I needed to know, was if someone else came along (fair enough, i thought). She genuinely didn't believe someone could wait like that , that it wasn't fair. But we left it like that all the same.........

No I'm going to give it another go I don't know what Ive been doing wrong but I think it had something to do with spending to long choosing the exact shade of green my text should be?

BACK TO THE STORY-A grey hair appeared on my head last night am far far to young for grey hair I can assure you.So I'm blaming my recent stresses....And as for those well...the day came and there I was standing on a London train platform about to depart back to the provinces from whence we came, it was so quick. I mean there were tears and all that carry on but no running up the side of the train in a breif encounter moment. Apparently the modern day securities of St pancreas don't allow for people to get too close to moving high speed trains. Besides the windows don't open and theres no steam so it was all far more clinical than romantic.
We had spent a wonderful few days in London, dashing about the place, shopping in fortnum and masons, breakfasting in bed, and trotting up Holland park road celebrity spotting. Then that was it , back to normality for me , well via several train delays and a gang of drunken football supporters rampaging up and down the midland line carriages!
And the girlfriend? Well she began her journey departing the next day..
I wont be saying any wretched things about on these pages, because i couldn't. You see I am still very much in love with her, I would defy anyone not to be .She is the most beautifull, kind, and thoughtful person Ive ever met. In fact in the time Ive known her she has only ever acted in a hurtful way to one person. That was me a month ago.......

AKNOWLAGMENTS- thankyou for the encouraging comments of a reader the other day, but im afraid I would have to be a gay, computer illiterate, not so funny, Bridgit Jones if anything?
Also thanks to advice given by a reader on my silly layout issues.

THE REST-I had wrote a wonderfully dreary entry today.Allas it has dissapeared infront of me twice? Pouring my heart out three times and wresltling with fonts, spellcheckers, and html talk is a step to far. I will endevour to try again tomorrow.

Im beging to despair i have just spent some time writing out my entry for the day and it keeps vanishing on me , i now cant be botherd to write it out again so ive given up for today!

   P.S why does my first entry come last and my last entry come first? I cant seem to change this , but the advice of anyone who knows how would be greatly received .

         Hello, i have returned to the machine people call a computer. And interestingly i have found out some developments since yesterday.

         Now i think that's probably enough for today , id maybe like to find a way of making this machine teach me how to punctuate , because at the moment i'm going for the , throw a comma in every few words and an odd occasional full stop method write now?

  Hello i must warn you i am almost completley useless with all this computer lark. I am also unable to spell or punctuate, and dont say to yourself use a spellchecker, its taken me half an hour to turn the text green so i think for now i will have to make do.
 
You may ask what am i doing taking up electronic space, with the nonsense im about to write. well ive recentley gone from having the most wonderfull year of my life (the kind that would nausiate many, and most people would say only happens in books)to a chain of wretched events that i can only laugh at. so this will be my therapy